| The edge |
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| 10:11pm 21/03/2004 |
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mood:  nostalgic music: The Edge-Lifehouse
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I had almost forgotten about this journal. I just reread most of my entries. This was the journal I chose to keep more private.
My writing style has changed quite a bit.
I was happy a few minutes ago. Then I began reading. Memories come flooding back and they hurt. They hurt because I know I will no longer have them. Things between certain people are just so diffrent...but when they were here it seemed like the sun shined much brighter.
Yesterday at the foodfest, I didn't say anything but I really missed Caleb. Last year I had spent the entire day fighting with him and the entire evening laying in the grass watching the firecrackers. I really liked him. I wish things were the same but then again I don't. I miss the way things used to be but i'm okay with the present. How else could it have ended?
You say
Stand on the edge and don't be afraid to fall
take a breath and
tell me what you see
Man, I have major issues. Life is meaningless. Someone kill me. |
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| I'm officially on crack. |
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| 01:52am 31/10/2003 |
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I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me but something is seriously wrong with my head.
I really don't think. Like seriously. I don't think.
I feel no regret or sorrow. No remorse what so ever. I feel like i'm spinning out of control...
This morning I was raising all hell cuz I didn't want to lose him...Now that I didn't, I can't be bothered...
If given an oppertunity I would have made the same mistake i made that got him pissed at me in the first place....I just don't learn. I always worm my way out of tight situations...and if I don't then I can't really be bothered cuz I think that oh this was an exception...
I gotta stop myself from thinking that way.
I'm going to get so screwed one day and i'll have to suffer for it.
Someone teach me how to care... |
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| 05:12pm 04/09/2003 |
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hmmm... |
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| [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] |
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| 08:13pm 08/07/2003 |
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mood: unhinged music: If I am - nine days
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How did I manage to do this? Everything was fine. I was happy. I was!
Now i'm unhinged.
I want to talk to someone but I can't. I don't know what to say.
I don't know what's bothering me.
It's always too late when you got nothing...
so you say.
You should never let the sun on tomorrow
before the sun rises today.
So much anticipation...
I need to find some comfort...I just don't know where to find it this time. |
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| Time to kill. |
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| 11:41pm 25/06/2003 |
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mood:  furious
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i say: finally!
he says: hi
Hi? Hi! what the fuck is that about?! |
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| Is he ever gonna come online? |
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| 11:07pm 24/06/2003 |
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mood: heartbroken music: stand here with me - creed
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I've been waiting for him since 9...-sigh-
MmMmMmm...Ang bilis ko ngayon paiyakin...Ayoka na! Hindi ko na kaya tangapin na aalis nanaman ang aking kapit-kaibigan. Mahal ko eh...Mula umalis ang kaibigan ni marian, ako rin umiiyak. Alam ko paano (that feels) kasi umalis ang aking mahal. Hangang ngayon dumadasal ako para sakanya. Talagang mahal ko siya. Alma ko hindi ako laging pinapakita pero so totoo lang, mahal ko siya. -sigh-
Ngyon aalis nanaman yong isa. Parang lahat ng mga lalaki sa buhay ko umaalis. Una and tatay ko, tapos ang boyfriend ko, ngyon ang aking kapit kaibigan. Paano na ako? Parang hindi ko na kayang mahal ng iba kasi...baka aalis ulit sila...Masakit talaga sa puso.
Gusto kong pumunta sa isang gubat na mapaglaw at mamamatay. Wala na akong pagasa sa buhay. Hindi ko na kayang magmahal. Sheyt.
Okay, I know it's kinda malabo pero baka mabasa ang mga gago...Ayoko nila mag alam na mahal ko parin sila. Ganon lang ako. I never show it. Wala lang. |
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| It's not fair. |
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| 10:47pm 22/06/2003 |
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How can he expect so much from me when we both know the outcome?
I already care. I care so much. But the closer we get the harder it will be to let go...I hate losing friends...
I'm still not completely over Caleb leaving and now Flavio is leaving too. When will it stop? This is my last year...then we'll all be spread out. Claire will be in UPENN or wherever. Jan will be in Europe, Marian will be in Ateneo? and I have no idea where i'm going...but things just won't be the same anymore.
I'm so bitter.
I wish fidelity still existed in this world. |
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| I can't sleep. |
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| 05:47am 21/06/2003 |
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Thoughts of love, lust, infatuation and everything in between are buzzing through my head.
I've been playing rollercoaster tycoon all night. A game I took from Jan. Hehe. And shopping online again...
I've also been trying to clean out my email inbox.
jhgalkfjafkpjh
-frustration-
Who do who do you love? Who do you need? |
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| nooooooooooo |
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| 08:56pm 20/06/2003 |
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mood:  sad music: i love you - nine days
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"If you love someone you say it right then, out loud
or the moment just...passes you by" -My Bestfriend's Wedding
-sigh-
I don't want to say it anymore. I don't want to love anyone anymore...I don't want them to know I love them. I don't want to get attached. I don't want them to want me. I don't want them to care. I just don't want.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I just don't want to get hurt anymore. You can only be hurt by people you care about about.
I feel like i'm cursed. Everyone I cared about either left or is leaving. It isn't fair anymore. |
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| No te Vayas |
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| 10:38pm 19/06/2003 |
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mood: sad music: tears -xjapn
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I just read Caleb's journal...this morning I was telling my mom how I missed him and how I haven't heard from him in days. -sigh-
I feel like emailing him but I don't know what to say...or more of what i'll say. The more I try to expound on my feeling the more I make things difficult to understand.
| serenentwisted | | Magic Number | 12 | | Job | Singer | | Personality | Rainy Day | | Temperament | What You Lookin' At? | | Sexual | Just Say No | | Likely To Win | A Swimming Badge | | Me - In A Word | Compassionate | | Colour | | | Brought to you by MemeJack |
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Some days I think, that its okay that he's not here. I'm still happy but other days it's just like..."I wish he were here..." I miss him terribly. I'm not sure if I like this anymore.
Flavio realized that I like to play around. Too bad he found out the hard way. -sigh- I love Flavio to death...just not in a intimate way I suppose. I will miss him very much when he leaves...I don't want to him to leave in the least bit.
-tearing-
Everyone's leaving. Jan just left for the states. SHe's coming back...but still...
gahhh...I'm really starting to not want boys. Today, 3 guys texted me to go out with them this weekend. When the last one texted me I was just like bah! Go to hell. One boy. Just one. That's all I want. I will NOT let the chance go by again. No more fooling around.
No more.
No more.
-cries-
I have such good intentions but they hardly come through.
God, give me strenth. |
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| ... |
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| 05:07pm 19/06/2003 |
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I'm a blitz. -lol- I guess Caleb really rubbed off on me while he was here...
hmmm gotta go. Gonna play COmmand and COnquer. hehe
Just a quick thanks to everyone who supported me when Caleb left.
Maiko, Flavio, Rachel, Jae, Joe, Karla, Marian especially. Thanks for calling to check up on me. And thanks to the rest of you for just listening to me cry. Love you! |
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| Go! Go! Go Shorty! It's your birthday! |
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| 02:01am 17/06/2003 |
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mood:  ditzy music: 50cent
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It's everyone's birthday lately! Trina, Mika, Natalie and now Flavio! Everyone's turning 17! I feel so...ancient. hehe
Anyway, I spent the entire morning reading Coraline by Gaiman, A childrens book recomended by Claire. I must say it is kind of scary. teehee
I'm having fun getting new music on my computer. lalove it.
Okay, so I was trying to persuade my mom to take me to Jans so I could take a book. heh. Well she kept saying later, later, later and finally she screamed at me and said no. I was furious. It was 7:30ish already and i've been trying to get out of my house since 4. tssssss.
So I, the stupid, took the car. Man, I have never done anything like that. I mean, me and my cuz took the car out once before about a year ago, and Alex and I used to take the car out but never have I done anything like that alone. Woah. Big step.
I love it. I love driving! I love the freedom. I took the long way through Ortigas to get to Jans where I happily invaded her house. teehee. Fat fat fat! -falls over-
Then I drove to Flavio's, which isn't very far from Jan's and well, I cut him off a few times and we sorta raced around the village. Funness of the world.
Finally, we took the car back and I hopped into FLavio's car and we drove to Marian's. Flavio had to park my car though. I honestly suck at parking. ngek. Everytime I try to park I always hit something stupid. Like a pole or something. =p
We played Monopoly where Marian and I cheated like hell. It was so obvious and he only caught us near the end. Hahahaha. Marian still won. -lol- So what else is new?
I was really hungry so I made Flavi take me to Mcdonald's and we got nuggets and food for Marian. -yeyness-
Marian just got back from Europe! She gave me the cutest little (literally) skirts! -dies- i'm so excited! hehe And a nice leather journal. -sigh- I still haven't finished that green one I bought two years ago...I mean there are like 7 pages left but those last ones are the hardest to finish. =p
What else did I do today...
Flavio just took me home. I just texted him happy birthday. 2am on the dot cuz well, it's his birthday and he told me earlier that he was born at 2am...yup.
Gotta call him now. |
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| GFKJAHFA:KF |
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| 12:21am 16/06/2003 |
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mood:  gloomy
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OKay, he went offline. Didn't say goodbye.
I think i'm going to cry.
Wow it rymes.
-smacks self-
I don't know why i'm getting hurt so easily now. This definitly counts as a slap in the face. I dunno...
I guess I deserve it.
Maybe this is all a bad dream and i'll wake up tomorrow...
..or not.
-bursts into tears-
it's all over. |
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| I hate being sick. |
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| 12:12pm 09/06/2003 |
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mood:  happy music: Mexico - Incubus
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I have the flu. -pissed-
My eyes are all puffy and swollen, my body aches, and worst of all I have a cold. If I start coughing it will be over. SARS! -lol-
Mmmm...How I love pissing people off. hehe. -bad habit-
But its cool how I can piss one person off while at the same time pleasing another. hehe. I think i'll be nice now. ü
I hate being sick. Aside from that, I love my life right now! ü |
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| 10:06am 09/06/2003 |
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| Your Ultimate Purity Score Is... | | Category | Your Score | Average | | Self-Lovin' | 75%
Never taken out of the packaging | 61.7% | | Shamelessness | 71.4%
It takes a couple of drinks | 76.9% | | Sex Drive | 50%
A fool for love, but not always | 75.1% | | Straightness | 17.9%
Knows the other body type like a map | 40.5% | | Gayness | 100%
| 79.6% |
| Fucking Sick | 82.3%
Refreshingly normal | 88% |
You are 65.47% pure
Average Score: 69.6%
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| I'm sick... |
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| 08:00pm 08/06/2003 |
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Hannah's party was a blast! hahah not that I remember much...
SOrry about your car jan! I love you! -cringes-
My maid really hates me.
Tim came over at around 2am...I was sooooOOoo drunk. SUcks. THe last time he ever saw me and I was piss drunk and bossing him around to get me water. Damnit. Caleb kept trying to call but I couldn't concentrate...It's that annoying pissed off tone of voice of his that really makes me want to go crazy...
Caleb, please don't ever try talking to me while i'm drunk...it's really pointless.
MmmMmm...I called Flavio at about 8am...hehe I told him that I hated him! I even posted something in my other journal. hahahah. I remember being so pissed off but I don't really remember why! hahaha
story: Once upon a time there was a magic dragon who lived by the sea with a little boy. However the boy started school and had very little time to spend with his pet dragon. The dragon hated to be alone so he made up an imaginary friend and named him Fufu. But the little boy who took care of him wasn't too happy that his pet dragon was spending more time talking to his imaginary friend.
So the little boy decided to disown his pet dragon. The dragon really missed his little boy so he tourched his imaginary friend...however he didn't realize that Fufu couldn't die cuz he was only in his imagination.
The magic dragon was so miserable and felt alone all over agian, because his imaginary friend was fading into memory as he got older so he tried to look for his little boy...but the little boy had already gotten a new pet dragon.
-cries-
It's so sssaaaaaaadddddd. |
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| boredom |
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| 07:49pm 08/06/2003 |
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INFO:
Date Of Birth: 0221
Location: wack wack
APPEARANCE:
Hair: brown
Eyes: brown
Height: 5'7
Weight: 110lbs
RIGHT NOW:
Wearing: a nightgown
Listening to:Nelly
Thinking of: Caleb...
LAST THING YOU:
Bought: A pirated CD of the sims superstar! It doesn't work though..=(
Read: Death of a Salesman
Watched on tv: I don't watch TV....
EITHER / OR:
club or houseparty: CLubbing! I *hate* being thrown into pools.
beer or cider: beer.
drinks or shot: shots.
cats or dogs: CATS.
single or taken: Taken. =)
pen or pencil: pen
gloves or mittens: gloves
food or candy: food!
cassette or cd: cd.
coke or pepsi: COKE! I hate PEPSI! I'm so sick of it!
WHO DO YOU WANT TO:
kill: FLAVIO! -joke-
tickle: wtf? Ummmm Caleb?
LAST PERSON
talked to in person: My mommy
talked to on the phone:Caleb
hugged: uhhhh I don't know....I think it was Erika D. hahah
instant messaged: ???
WHERE DO YOU
eat: Everywhere! hahaha
cry: in the bano
wish you were: Paris...No. KOREA. P'yo odiso salsu isso!? hehe
HAVE YOU EVER...
Dated one of your best friends? Um...YES.
Loved somebody so much it makes you cry? God, when Caleb left I cried every damn day.
Done drugs? pshaw, heck no. ü
Broken the law? haahhhahah me pa?
Run away from home? Yes! "Lets walk around the Philippines!" -lol-
Broken a bone? yeah...
Played Truth Or Dare? Wtf is that? ahhahaha
Come close to dying? Yeah, I almost drowned in Egypt. Plus other stuff...hehe |
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serenentwisted's journal